The Boys in Town

Where to begin… It’s been about two years since my divorce with my ex partner. I started to date again. There were a handful of good dates, though this post isn’t about those, rather that one bad date that lasted almost 24 hours. 

Several months ago, I made the conscious decision to try a new dating app some of my friends were using called, Hinge. The app is supposed to be the dating app to get rid of dating apps.

One weekend, I matched with someone I had liked weeks ago, we’ll call him Arnold. He seemed sauve from his photos and somewhat intelligent from his prompts. We instantly started messaging back and forth in the app. In less than 24 hours, we exchanged numbers and began to text one another.

As an extrovert and type A planner, my calendar is usually booked weeks, months, and potentially years in advance. Today was Sunday. I was booked every evening besides that evening, which was also only the second day of talking to him. I made a rash decision to see if he’d want to come over for dinner on such short notice. To my surprise, he was available. I took a long lunch and rushed to the store to stock up my wine rack and ingredients for a home cooked meal. Home dates are my ideal first date because I have control over atmosphere, budget, and when the date ends… or so I thought. 

He arrived at my apartment before dinner was ready so I poured some wine for the both of us while I cooked. We begin conversing about the apartment and generic topics. He did mention a bit about his doctoral thesis, which had to do with history. By the time dinner was ready we finished the first bottle of wine. 

While we consumed our meal, we talked more and opened another bottle of wine. The conversation was on par with what I imagined in a genuine connection. By the time my housemate got home, an hour later, we had finished another bottle.I how much we were consuming because I was enjoying the time, also I was quite tipsy. We opened a third bottle of wine, but I decided to sip lightly. He did not. It was less than an hour later and the bottle was empty. Arnold asked if I had any more wine to drink. Still on that same glass, I half jokingly commented, “wow you are drinking me out of house and home.” We chuckled and I offered to make him a cocktail because the rest of my wines were reserved for special occasions. He took up the offer. 

We eventually moved to the bedroom to watch a movie. He insisted that we should have a nightcap. I refused because I was already tired and would probably fall asleep. Instead I countered that he could have one and I could have a weed gummy to help me sleep. He agreed. Somewhere in my altered mind, I agreed to refill his nightcap not once, not twice, but three times! I was astounded by how much this guy could drink. But as foretold, the weed gummy was starting to do its work and I quickly fell asleep. 

I awoke to the sound of glass breaking on the bed frame. He was intoxicated. Arnold prefaced that he had tried to pour another glass with the alcohol I left on the bedside table. That was my mistake. I was too tired to argue and put the alcohol away. I fell back asleep to us cuddling. 

Two hours later I woke up in a groggy haze of my housemate in my bed saying, “your friend is in my bed.” I quickly came to and tried to resolve the issue. How drunk must he have been to confuse one of two possible doors in our two bedroom apartment? I shook his shoulders to try to wake him, it took some time but I got there. I was embarrassed of the situation and would have a stern talking to him in the morning. 

The next morning, Arnold partly woke up as I uncuffed myself from his clutch. I offered some coffee in the hopes it would start his day. That didn’t work. Bogged in work, I moved into the living room to do work. At some point Arnold emerges from my room and grabs a cup of coffee. 

I asked him to make us breakfast. As he began to cook he asked, “Do you have something to drink as the hair of the dog?” 

I offered a hard seltzer, he took it. Within 15 minutes he asked for another. I question his motive, if he continued to drink alcohol is that really the hair of the dog? 

Once food was made, eaten, and dishes put away. I took some time to outline all the things he did last night. He apologized and I accepted his points. I iterated that he owed my housemate an apology and his behavior was terrible. He got flustered and tried to skirt around the issue. He eventually agreed to own up to his mistakes with my housemate, but my housemate wanted nothing to do with him.

Every time I thought there was a subtle way to end this date it kept on going. So instead of trying to end it, I embraced it. I knew this was a bad date, but I wanted to test how bad it could really get. At minimum I would be gifted with a story I could use in a novel one day. Arnold ended up sleeping in my bed, while I worked during the day and until we went out to a local gay bar for a round of pool that afternoon. 

Even though I had just taught him how to play pool, he won the first round and was so in awe with the results, he started to gloat.

“It’s not always about winning,” I said. 

“Yes it is,” he replied. 

“Um actually not for me. I play in a gay softball league for three reasions: fun, exercise, and socializing,” I proudly exclaimed. 

Three more rounds of cocktails and four more games of pool, we both were ready for a break. We stepped out to the back patio to talk. He was an east coast transplant and mentioned how much he loved San Francisco. Unfortunately with the cost of living, he felt as thought he could never own property in the Bay Area. In my attempt to relate to him I tell him that my parents joke that I won’t own property till after they pass.

He did not take my analogy well. Instead he told me that I was more “affluent” than him because my parents’ owned property in the Bay Area and one day I would inherit it. I was taken back by this. As a 3rd gen Asian-American, who was this White guy to tell me that I had more going for me in my upbringing over him. 

I responded with, “That might be the case. But if there were two versions of me, one Asian and one White one, with all the same credentials, who would have more opportunities? The White guy.” 

The conversation derailed into his thoughts about who he thought was the most under-represented population in the poor bracket of Americans: Middle of America White people. I should have been more uncomfortable with the comment, but he went further into it. 

“If a Black man fails it’s due to systemic racism. If a White man fails, it’s due to moral failure,” he said. 

Arnold went further to question why White people were being under-represented or acknowledged in this demographic. I bluntly said, “Maybe it’s because they have enslaved or done some harm to the minority populations in America.” 

You think the date would have ended there. It did not. I was hungry and he didn’t seem like he would finish his argument any time soon. So we go get dinner at a taco place down the street, Nicks Crispy Tacos. At this point, I was over the company and more interested in the food. After our food arrived, we dug in. Somewhere in between the beers, tacos, and the conversation I lost it.

The straw broke and I was ready to go home. We were encroaching on the 24 hour mark and Arnold’s alcohol limit. We left the restaurant and began to walk towards my place. I had full intentions of sleeping alone tonight. A block into the walk he asked, “Can I sleep over again tonight?”  At this point I called him an Uber because he was not taking no for an answer. 

This experience was a learning point in so many ways. Maybe don’t allow your date to drink you out of house and home, maybe kick out your date if they end up in your housemate’s bed, maybe don’t let someone tell you who you are. But most never dim your light (or wardrobe) to satisfy someone else’s insecurities. 

As always, stay safe, stay healthy, and as always, like, share, and subscribe to our blog for new insights into happiness, heartbreak, and everything else that comes with our exploration of polyamory.

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

I was wondering if you can give me, a mono person, advice on how to adjust to my fiancé telling me she is poly?

I would do anything for our family and that includes being open minded to this, but where I’m struggling is that she doesn’t know exactly what she wants.  

She tells me all the time that I’m her soulmate and she couldn’t imagine life without me, but she wants to be able to make new connections with people. I’m just confused & don’t know what kind of boundaries to make.

#AskThePolyGuys

Welcome back friends, it had been quite some time since we last chatted. Pardon the lag on our end, we hope to get back to a regular posting schedule soon. Recently, we received a question from someone who asked for advice on how to acclimate to their fiancé coming out as polyamorous.

Feedback:

For your partner to come out to you about being polyamorous can be difficult to process. My first suggestion for you and your partner is: Time. Just as hard as it was for me to come out to my parents as gay, it was even worst when I came out as poly. They really didn’t grasp the concept and related it to “hippie culture.”

Similarly, when my last partner and I decided to open up our open relationship into a non-monogamous one it was difficult. I fought the urge to allow emotions in our love life. It took me 4 months and time before my partner asked again about opening the relationship. It took time for me to process and look up the benefits of a polyamorous relationship before I could fathom the idea of consensual non-monogamy. 

A subsection of boundaries regarding time, is checking-in. In my experience, the early stages of polyamory can be a learning experience for all parties. The rules and boundaries you and your partner(s) put into place, may need to evolve as your collective relationship grows. Checking in every 3 to 6 months (or however long is enough for you) can provide insight on how each individual in the relationship is feeling. What worked three months ago, may not work now. Relationships aren’t stagnant things. Relationships are meant to grow over time, just as the people in them mature & grow.  Using regular check-ins allows those involved an opportunity to talk about those feelings & emotions one step at a time.

To address the uncertainty with what she wants in regards to polyamory, I would refer again to time and checking-in. When I first started non-monogamy, I did not expect to be as much in love with poly as much as I am now. The only way I was able to learn what I wanted or needed from a non-monogamous relationship was through experience.

Even if we could lump all of the types of polyamory. It’s not one size fits all. To get an insight on what your partner(s) might want from a polyamorous relationship, I suggest taking the “5 Love Languages” test. There are 5 types of love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Quality Time. It provides a tool for learning to talk about your needs and wants.

We need to be patient as we work towards an agreement or compromise with our partner(s). If both parties have come to the table willing to work towards a better relationship, we must trust that the other is acting in good faith & do so in kind. At the beginning no one person may have a clear direction, but navigating the unknown happens one joint step at a time. Patience, open & honest communication, and time will be your allies on that journey.

If any of you readers have questions about polyamory or relationships, hit us up on instagram or email. We would love to hear from you. Again don’t forget to like, follow us on instagram, facebook. Till next time.

 -Always in Love, Your Friendly Poly Guy 1 & 2

Welcome back friends. Sorry for the hiatus, it has been a very obscure couple of months. In any case, we didn’t want to miss the opportunity to post this year for Pride. As California fully re-opens, the bars are opened and just as packed as they used to be. It is nice to see some normalcy again in the community. 

What is Pride about? It’s more than just the colors on a flag, parades, and a celebration. There’s history, we should honor those who came before us in the fight for LGBT+ rights. We are able to express ourselves in every facet and form. If I want to wear some crop I have the right to, if I want to say I love you to random guys I can, if I want to express myself I have the opportunity to go for it. When we openly express who we are, we also set ourselves in a  vulnerable place. It can be scary to be vulnerable, but Pride helps us unite and celebrate our differences. 

I recently came out to my parents and sibling as polyamorous. My mom took it fairly well, most likely because she knew my last partner and I were in an open relationship. On the other hand, my sister and dad didn’t have the bandwidth or knowledge on how to deal with it. Since telling them the news, we haven’t talked about it much. Though it was nice that for the first time ever, my dad expressed his acceptance for me as a gay man. 

This Pride, my sister orchestrated a personalized card that they all signed. It was the first time to get such a card from my family. I felt overwhelmed with the progress made with them. There was a time when my dad thought being gay was a phase. It’s not, neither is it a choice. I am fortunate to have the love and support from my family and friends to be who I am… Gay, polyamorous, Asian American.

Other people are not as fortunate. I recently had an insightful Uber ride to the Castro. My driver was a citizen of another country where they kill and jailed anyone who was a part of the  LGBT+ community. He is now here for asylum from his home country. While we have made great strides for LGBT+ rights, there is still so much that needs to be done. 

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

Looking for love, a connection, or just a random hookup? There’s an app for that. 

There is no denying that the dating scene has come a long way from the old fashioned method of handwritten letters, the set up by friends, or procuring a telephone number at a bar. The digital age has provided users with the tools to view more people than they would have met on their own accord. It has also facilitated connections to people from around the world. These apps allow us to swipe left and right or gaze upon a waterfall of potential love interests. Perhaps this is what drives the hookup culture among the gay community. We are now confronted with a saturation of potential options at our fingertips. 

Though we must realize that all dating apps are not equal. Such apps like Grindr, Scruff, and Jack’d are considered hookup apps, where members can instantly meet up with people based on proximity. Each app has their unique profile interface. Scruff allots a section for people to identify their community or explain what they are into. Some of these communities described are: bear, muscle, daddy, geek, jock, leather, discreet, military, queer, chaser, bisexual, transgender, and twink. Though the two other apps have a similar section, Scruff has more available options for users. 

On the other hand there are apps that are primarily used mainly for dating. Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder, OK Cupid, and Hinge need both parties to consent to one another before a conversation can begin. This avenue allows protection from unsolicited dick pics and random messages from faceless men. This route allows for you to actually “talk” to another person before taking their connection to the next level.

Personally, when I met my last partner I was not looking for anything serious . I was 20-something years old, going to college and working two jobs at the time. I had matched with my partner on Tinder during the fall semester followed by those immortal messages I sent, “Hey.” Who knew that would solidify the rest of the last five years of my life. Though it did not last eternally like the Always and Forever song by Heatwave, it was fun while it lasted. Those were some of the best of my years, traveling around Europe, playing softball, and getting married to a goofball of a person. 

Maybe due to technological advancements, we have lost the sight of how to date and what it  could be. Some find comfort and security behind the screens of our phones. I cannot remember the last time a guy actually hit on me when I was out with or vice versa. For some, it might be easy to make a connection of topics and texts before actually meeting up for a drink. After all we have a finite amount of free time and we can’t spend it going on countless number of  meetups or dates.

Perhaps the past year of quarantine has dulled our skills to socialize and mingle with strangers. About a month ago I was at a bar with some friends to watch the newest RuPaul’s Drag Race episode. While there, I saw this beautiful man. He was in scrubs and with one other person. Was it a date, a friend, an old colleague. I was too scared to make a move, so instead I made eye contact and then opened all my dating apps. Sure enough he was on Grindr. I was more keen to send a message versus walking up to him and potentially embarrassing myself. 

Looking back on my experience with hookup culture through various dating apps, I am reminded that the self we choose to present on these platforms are only a mere facet of our true selves. We can take macho pictures and write to our hearts content about likes, dislikes and interests. It’s not till we meet that person in real life do we understand that person in greater depth. As things begin to open up again and we are able to recover some “normalcy,” I will take a closer look at how I pursue both love interests and hookups. At the end of the day we are all looking for some sort of connection; Whether that’s for the moment, a lifetime, or somewhere in between… It’s ultimately in our hands. 

 -Your Friendly Poly Guy 2

I came to the app scene very late in the game.  I’ve never had a tinder profile & only know of the other dating apps from friends and acquaintances.  While this sounds like bragging, the truth is, when I entered the gay dating scene, OkCupid, as a website, was still one of the predominant ways to meet guys.  Rather my intent here is to set the stage for what my experience with Grindr has been like in the past, and how it’s colored my view of these apps & hook-up culture in the gay community. 

 My very first grindr profile was a joint account with my fiance, seven, maybe eight years, into our relationship.  At that point neither of us was looking to date or find new boyfriends.  As can be imagined this made for a very different experience than a single individual would experience on the app. 

Logging on as a paired couple, in some ways,  made hook-ups & chatting with guys easier.  We weren’t there looking for partners or long term commitments.  We were on there for more ephemeral & light hearted, well, hook-ups.  Whenever we chatted with a guy, we were always up front, our profile even stated it, “couple looking for NSA fun”.  For those that were interested, we often discovered it was an arrangement that was highly successful, it satiated the needs of both parties, without the concern for romantic entanglement or deeper commitments.  In short we had fun & the guys we met did too. 

Those early days of hooking up were quite exhilarating.  I enjoyed the conversations, the photos exchanged, & the eventual meet-ups. I mean what’s not to love if you’re horny & looking for sex? Also as someone who had engaged with a grand total of three sexual partners up until this point in his life, it was opening up an entirely new side of me I hadn’t ever explored.  I felt like I was discovering new things all the time.  I learned that sex was something to be enjoyed, not coveted & secreted away.  Through those hook-ups and encounters I learned to be more comfortable with sex and talking about it. 

Lest I be judged for viewing hook-up apps through rose colored glass, I’m not so naïve as to believe the culture is without it’s dark-side & toxicity.  I know, as I/We experienced it on numerous occasions.  I’ve also spoken with a number of my friends & acquaintances about their own experiences.  There is plenty of petty cruelness and deception to go around.  Any gay guy will tell you how quick individuals in our own community can be to tear another down, even when we so often preach unity and support. To say there is some serious work to be done, is an understatement.

From the perspective of an individual closeted most of his life, to come to find a culture when sex was celebrated & openly enjoyed, it was a breathe of fresh air & a definite release. I’m lucky in how I came to be introduced to the culture, in an environment where I wasn’t alone & we had clear boundaries & guidelines.

Welcome friends, in recent weeks I have been hopeful for society, that things wil get better surrounding Covid-19. My parents are fully vaccinated and there has been talk about availability for Californians by May 1st. I am very optimistic that these conditions will improve for those who decide to get the vaccine. Though on another note, there has been increased hate crimes against the Asian population throughout the nation. It pains me to hear that 6 Asian people were killed in Atlanta due to a hate crime. 

Personally, hearing more about the abuse some have chosen to inflict on the Asian community in the US is appalling. This issue hits close to home. So many people are being attacked due to their physical features, among other things, in this land that I call home. I was born here, as were my parents, as were my parents’ parents. All in all, as far as I see it I am ethnically of Asian descent, but my nationality resides in the U.S. 

As a mixed race among the Asian community, I still get stopped by both those outside of the culture and those in it saying, “Where are you from?” My response is always the same, “I am from San Jose, California.” I have had moments of realization that I am not safe due to the color of my skin or the shape of my eyes and that’s terrifying to learn. 

My most recent search on Amazon was for pepper spray and other protective measures. I have heard it from my parents and other Asian friends that this is a scary time for the community. It is tough to live in a heavily populated area and still have some sense of fear of those who are inciting such senseless acts of hate against the Asian community. I am worried for my parents, my friends, and others who are Asian by birth. When Coronavirus was first talked about by our former president, he referred to it as the “Chinese Virus.” That stemmed a lot of stigma towards the Asain community. In turn, there was a revolt by the Asian American community on social media with hashtags such as #IamNotAVirus . 

It is a shock to experience in person.  We were walking through downtown SF in the middle of the day when a woman started ranting at one of my friends the closer we moved towards her.  Being SF, it’s not uncommon to engage with individuals shouting on the streets about nonsense. It is an entirely different experience when you realize she is railing at your friend directly, blaming them for the deaths of her family and shouting that the virus is “their people’s” fault. To be honest she was past us before we realized what she was even saying, but the feelings remained, anger, hurt, surprise.  We were lucky in that it was nothing more than shouting, but the experience was sobering none-the-less. – Poly Guy 1    

America is supposed to be a large melting pot of different cultures. But when I hear people that were attacked and their assailant saying something as rude as, “Go back to where you’re from!” I get upset because I am from the U.S. Some people are so quick to judge that because of the color of my skin or my physical features that I am from Asia. The fact is that I am Asian American.

From a historical standpoint, it has not been the first time that Asian Americans have been attacked due to ethnicity. My Japanese grandparents were forced into internment camp during World War II. They lost a lot of their possessions and after the war got a check from the government for their suffrage. A gesture that barely begins to make up for what they endured. 

I hope that this soapbox we stand on helps people see that we are all human at the end of the day. For those who have ever been harassed due to their race, I see you, I get you. I hope that we can all call-out and fight against the xenophobia that is rising towards the Asian community.  

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1 & Poly Guy 2

When I was younger I never really cried at movies.  My stepmother on the other hand bawled like a baby all the time. One movie in particular, Stepmom, she cried so hard we had to stop the movie till she could regain her composure.  Now I will say my stepmother is someone who is very in touch with her emotions, however, there was another element in play. The ability to relate and connect to the main character in a very real and personal way.

I never put much thought to it honestly, growing up, why I never cried at movies, I just figured I was one of those people who didn’t.  Turns out it was a combination of being young and inexperienced, paired with a lack meaningful gay representation.  

I was once again reminded of how powerful and moving representation can be recently while lying on the living room floor with my boyfriend, watching music videos.  As we laid there enjoying each other’s company, he put on Symphony by Clean Bandit.  It was a song I was very familiar with and had listened to on repeat on many occasions.  At that moment though I had never actually seen the accompanying music video.  

At first I didn’t understand what I was watching, but as the song and story unfolded, I realized it was a gay love story. At times tragic, and heart breaking, but with a building and uplifting crescendo that kept me mesmerized till the end when it culminated a celebration of love.  By then I was in tears. It was touching, it was meaningful, & it was very, very, relatable. 

I could see myself in the protagonist. I could understand the journey he was taking & what it meant to him.  I loved it so much.  

The beauty of the story was its simplicity.  It was about two people, two men, in love & the love they shared. That’s it.  There wasn’t a social justice context.  They weren’t fighting the world at large to prove they had a right to “be”.  They just…were.  While we need the former, it bears repeating we need the latter as well.  Processing emotions is hard enough without having to constantly be reminded we must fight the world at large as well.

Seeing yourself represented in stories, in music, in the media, it reminds you, you’re not alone.  That you’re connected to the rest of the world by mutual experiences. Stories are how we learn to understand and make sense of the world. That is why representation is so important. It provides an individual the opportunity to see themselves reflected.  

I understand now why my stepmother was so moved by that movie.  It took me many years and a little bit of growing up, but I get it now.  When you can relate to the characters and stories, you can see yourselves in them & empathize with their emotions, because you’ve felt those very same feelings yourself. It’s powerful. To be able to understand not only the joys & the laughs, but the pain and sorrow too.  It’s a reminder that we’re human. 

-Always in Love, Poly Guy 1